Women
as Fungible Goods
originally appeared at www.jewishcafe.com
Dear Adrienne:
--E.M.
Dear EM:
What you describe is definitely a problem with on-line personal ads, especially among the younger crowd who are still in the "having fun" mode and less in the "time to get serious" mindset. Men (and women, too) are like kids in a candy shop - so much to sample, so little time.
This type of man is not interested in settling down, and so, in being "rejected" by him, you haven't lost anything, except perhaps months of frustration.
Women tend to date towards the goal of a serious relationship, while most men try to avoid "serious" and "monogamous" for as long as possible. We women try to "catch" them, convince them of our worthiness; and while they may like us, the notion of settling down scares the heck out of them. This is the nature of human beings. We're slaves to our hormones. It's really not fair to get angry at men for wanting to avoid commitment any more than it's fair for men to get angry at women for wanting it.
Success in dating requires many of the same skills as success in other endeavors. Those who get angry and rail at the "system," generally end up bitter and left behind. Those who accept that they can't change the big picture, and learn to work the system (or their little corner of it) to their advantage are the ones who come out on top.
When you're meeting men from the personal ads, forget your
long term goals. If you date with marriage in mind, you are going to be disappointed
999 out of 1000 times. Oh, I know it's hard not to hope, but believe me, goal-oriented
dating will burn you out very fast. You've got to pace yourself, girl!
View each date as a chance to connect with someone interesting for a finite
period - maybe only an hour over coffee. Make the most of that time - ask interesting
questions, learn some new things, make others feel good about themselves (in
a sincere way; not as a ploy.) If he invites you to a second date, consider
that finite as well. Relationships are always being renegotiated on some level.
We're always asking ourselves, "do we want this or not?"
You should NEVER try to impress someone or convince them that you're worth a second or third, etc. date. Simply "be." If you are a good, kind, interesting, emotionally healthy, love-worthy person, just being your relaxed self is enough. If you are not those things, then you really can't blame someone for not wanting to see you again. Focus your personal energies on becoming the best person you can be, for your own benefit. Learn to enjoy others for themselves, not for what they can give you (i.e. a relationship.)
Even if you don't meet "the one" via the ads, following these guidelines will make your experience a lot more pleasant.
More Relationship Advice:
Good Judgment; Use It or Lose It <> You'd Better Believe It! <> Sick of Losers
So What DO Women Want? <> The Tangle Web of Unwanted Commitment
In Love With His Best Friend <> Debt Before Dishonor
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do <> Job, As In "Career" or "Snow?" <> Women As Fungible Goods
Women a Fungible Goods, Revisited <> Sex, Lies and Personal Ads <> It's a Fine E-Romance
Who Asks, Who Pays? <> Phone Sex Fantasy <> What You Do Is Who You Are
Ask a Babe Columns <> Jewish Cafe Advice Column
