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Phone Sex Fantasy

We finally met, and I was instantly smitten but really nervous. I guess the date didn't go so well. I wasn't loose; I didn't make her laugh. Basically, I was not the same guy she knew from the phone. After the date, she agreed to see me again, but a couple of days later I received an email from her saying that she wanted to get back with her old boyfriend.

We still talk now and then; and she seems friendly and receptive, but whenever I ask her to go out again, she either doesn't answer or changes the subject. The thing is, I really like her a lot, and fantasize about her, too. Obviously, I can't pursue her forever, and I do go out with other girls who are nice and fun in their own ways. Still, I can't stop thinking about Hillary. Clearly, she doesn't feel the same about me as I do about her, but I can't get her out of my mind. What should I do?

-JB, Syracuse, NY

Dear JB:

Your situation illustrates the emotional "dangers" of phone sex with strangers. While explicit conversations with anonymous others can be lots of fun (and in many cases hotter than real sex with an actual live person), it's almost impossible not to develop a fantasy image of your "lover." And since fantasies are rarely fulfilled, it inevitably leads to disappointment. Now, I understand that you were not disappointed when you met Hillary, but for whatever reason, she was disappointed when she met you, which obviously leads, in turn, to disappointment on your part.

The thing with anonymous phone sex is, it's very easy to slip into a role - to be more assertive, more in control, more experienced, etc. than you actually are in person. She might have been expecting the masterful "Mr. Studly Hotstuff" when in reality, you're just a normal, nice guy. It's possible, too, that having met you and seeing that you're a normal, nice guy, she's now embarrassed by her "phone slutty" behavior. Perhaps she worries: Do you just think of her as a cheap tart? If she goes out with you, will you expect her to have wild, kinky sex with you? Will she feel obligated to do so? Will she feel like a big phony, coward because she's really not that uninhibited in real life? Will you tell your mutual friend about the phone calls? It's a big ole' messy can o' worms, as you can see.

I'd give this one more shot by being totally honest with her. Tell her you realize that the phone sex might have been the wrong way to start, that you have no sexual expectations of her, that you're willing to just hang out and get to know her, etc. If, she's still not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, as painful as that is for you, you do need to move on. This is exactly where my "keep your eyes on the prize" philosophy can work wonders.

Visualize the relationship you want. Do not visualize the person, visualize how you feel when you're with them, how you relate to each other, etc. etc. (Come to some workshops and/or read some of the articles on this site to get a more developed idea of what I mean by this.) Clearly, you are fixated on your fantasy version of Hillary, because at this point, you can't possibly know if she's right for you. Good looks and a sparkling personality (and a kinky imagination) are important, but they, alone, do not determine whether a relationship will work. You can't have a mutually satisfying love match with someone who's not meeting you halfway, which she isn't.

When you decide you are ready to be in an emotionally intimate relationship with someone who cares about you as you care about them, it becomes much easier (and less painful) to walk away from unrequited love, no matter how appealing a package it is in.

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