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Laughing Mattress
Written
and moderated by Adrienne Gusoff
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Dear
Babe:
My girlfriend of one year has recently taken to staying up way past
my bedtime, reading and working in the living room. Other times, she'll
get involved in a movie or something on TV, and stay out there till
the wee hours. Sometimes, she falls asleep on the couch and sleeps
out there all night. I've asked her to come to bed when I do, but
she says she can't sleep and doesn't want to keep me awake. (I have
to get up very early.) Needless to say, our sex life is pretty much
nonexistent these days. How can I get her to break this habit and
get into bed the same time I do? Should she see a doctor about getting
sleeping pills?
-- All Alone in Bed
Dear All Alone:
If the real issue were insomnia, perhaps a pill would cure it, but
I suspect the issue is much deeper than that. Let's not beat around
the bush: Your girlfriend doesn't want to sleep with you. How much
plainer can she make it? If she wanted to be in bed with you, she
would be in bed with you. She could read or watch TV, and you could
wear eye shades and ear plugs. Or she could use headphones. Or, she
could get into bed with you, snuggle up while you fell asleep, then
go back to pacing the floors after you were peacefully snoring.
This business of not getting into bed with you is a sign of dissatisfaction
with you or the relationship, which she apparently cannot or will
not discuss. Hers is classic passive-aggressive behavior. If you call
her on it, there will always be a logical explanation which you can't
counter, IE "I can't sleep and I don't want to keep you awake." She
doesn't have the courage or character to tell you what's really bothering
her, so she tries to push you to the point of taking action.
Feeling rejected and lonely for her company are legitimate complaints.
She should be willing to work on a compromise. I'm guessing however,
that if you push the issue, her anger or dissatisfaction will manifest
itself in other ways -- either with different passive aggressive behavior
or perhaps, finally, by her coming clean about what's really bothering
her.
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